How to Embrace Your Female Sexuality (It's Not All About Sex)

Sex, sex, sex, sex.

Say sex again. Sex.

One person may have it on their minds 27/7, whereas for others, the concept of sexuality could be absent for many years. You know, life gets in the way. But connecting to yourself is crucial, and sexuality plays a massive role.

But this isn't a post about sex. Not nessacarily. It's about discovering your female sexuality, and yes, sex plays a part.

Why is sexuality important?

Embracing your female sexuality isn't a cis women's only club. It can mean anything from gender preferences to personality types and physical attributes.

No matter what your sexual preferences are, you are worthy of desire. You are desirable! You just don't know it yet, sister.

Reasons you might be interested in learning about sexuality:

You're a sexual woman, used to be or want to be.
You want to feel empowered.
You want to embrace your sexuality rather than feel shame or fear.
You want to enjoy sex, but something is getting in the way.

Why do I feel awkward talking about sexuality

We all have sexual needs. Like eating, drinking, and sleeping, sex plays a huge role in thriving and surviving.

Women are naturally sexual beings, and it's normal, nay, essential to want and need sex in your life. But you've probably been conditioned to feel shame and awkwardness around anything sexy. That is because there's no education. It's a private affair, and if you talk about it, you're way over-sharing.

So how do you go from sexually awkward to sexual freedom? I’ve put together some starting points so that every woman can start her sexual journey.

Challenge negative beliefs

Children are sexualised. Gross right? From a young age, society teaches girls to cover up for fear of provoking older, creepy men, like your P.E teacher with those too-tight gym shorts.

Women have learnt to make themselves small and unnoticeable unless they're on the hunt for a hunk.

We often see women's sexuality as taboo. And if you do like sex, you’re labelled a slut and 'asking for it'. It's also pretty common for women to shame other women for their sexual beliefs and desires. But that’s because they’re so out of touch with their inner selves.

People think sex is dirty, and you may feel shame for desiring part of who you are.

The overshadowing of body positivity means sexual positivity is a bit underground at the moment, but they are two sides of the same coin.

So how do you challange these negative beliefs? Firstly, you recognise what they are. Then you flip them on their head and rewire your brain so you understand sexuality in a new light.

Write down every negative thought, feeling or belief about sex and sexuality.

Challenge these beliefs. Are they true? What evidence do you have?

Write down sex-positive affirmations and repeat them once a day. e.g. Sexual pleasure is a beautiful gift that I deserve to receive.

Discover your sexual desire

You might feel a temptation to skip past this bit, but wait!

Discovering your sexual pleasure is essential to falling in love with yourself. And finding joy for yourself will give your partner pleasure.

Common myths around sexual pleasure include:

You need to tell your sexual partner exactly what you want in graphic detail.
There must be the sex toys, BDSM or some other kinky shit.
You will constantly be writhing in ecstasy and feel like a Goddess.

No. None of that is true.

I mean, it might be, one day, but learning your sexual pleasure can start with not having a clue. I'd be surprised if you were reading this and knew what turned you on because discovering sexual pleasure isn't about being a sex guru.

It can mean feeling safe. It can mean reducing anxiety before or during. It could be ensuring you don’t do things that trigger sexual trauma.

Identifying things that take away from your pleasure are just as valid as things that add to it.

Communicate in your relationship

Remember when you were a kid, and your school or parent gave you ‘the sex talk?’ How much did you learn apart from how not to get pregnant? Probably not much. That’s because sex is a topic all by itself, not a one-time discussion.

You need more than one conversation to feel comfortable about what you want. Your sexual desires also change and develop over time, so you need to check-in and return to the topic often.

It's healthy to talk about sex, and it’s also essential to talk during sex. But it’s really, really hard to do if you're not used to it.

You might feel like you’re shaming your partner if you ask them to do something different.

You don’t have to start in the bedroom. Just communicate better in daily life! When you are ready to start the conversation, it will feel good (both mentally and physically) to tell them what you want.

Make non-sexual intimacy a priority.

You might think you want to have sex because you want to feel intimacy with your partner.

But sex doesn’t always create intimacy.

Have you ever been with someone where you’re at it like rabbits, but you can’t hold an honest and open conversation? That might be because you don’t know what you want out of life.

How do you expect to embrace your sexual power if you’re not in tune with your needs?

Take time to have deep conversations with your partner but also with yourself. I’m not saying walk around Tesco while having a one-to-one discussion with yourself about childhood trauma, but check-in where you’re at every day.

Are you meeting your needs both emotionally and physically? Do you need the loo? More sleep? Do you want to see your friends or watch an old rom-com? Make non-sexual intimacy with yourself a priority.

Life a healthy lifestyle

A healthy lifestyle looks different to everyone. It can mean running three times a week for some people, and for others, it means resting and working on a positive mindset.

What sex and a healthy lifestyle have in common is respecting your body. If you eat a tub of ice cream every night to repress painful emotions, then you’re not showing yourself any respect. So how do you expect to honour what you want during sex?

Instant sexual liberation isn’t realistic because it takes time to liberate yourself from personal and internal constraints. Take steps like going to therapy, reading self-help books and doing things you enjoy to achieve sexual freedom.

Dress in ways that help you feel sexy in your everyday life

Am I talking about wearing heels and a full face of makeup every day? No. But what I do mean is note down what clothes make you feel sexually confident.

Another way of looking at it is feeling confident in your skin, and clothes are a simple way to express that in your everyday life.

There’s a misconception that you either have to be a girly girl or masculine, but femininity and masculinity are on a spectrum. Maybe you prefer stereotypically ‘male’ clothing, or perhaps you’re a dress and heels kinda gal. But it can also be a balance of the two, a dress with trainers or a suit with heels.

There are no rules, and your sexual self may look different depending on the day. But dressing for yourself will help you feel sexy because you feel more like you.

Learn how to pleasure your own body

How the hell is someone else going to know what you like if you have no clue yourself? Self-pleasure is a way to learn your body, but it doesn’t always mean cracking out the vibrator.

It can also mean figuring out what brings you pleasure, like your favourite cup of tea or how the air smells after rain.

You can’t place your sexual pleasure entirely on your partner. It’s your responsibility.

A relationship with yourself is more important than with anyone else, and that also means building a sexual relationship. Learn to seduce yourself, buy your favourite flowers, go out to that restaurant and yes, get to know yourself sexually.

A way to start transitioning pleasure from outside to inside the bedroom is by exploring your sexual thoughts. You don’t have to act on them and you don’t need to be afraid. Thinking is not a crime.

Putting sex and intimacy with yourself first not only feels good, but it's a way to connect with your sexuality. You will learn to treat yourself as you wish to be treated.

You don't have to feel sexually confident 24/7

Learning about your sexuality can be scary and intimidating. Sometimes your confidence will be there, and sometimes not. Just like financial freedom, sexual freedom takes time.

If you struggle with yourself sexually, try not to beat yourself up about it, but take small manageable steps to embrace your sexuality.